Lord Reptile, Bloomington, IN

Reptile’s KWIRK Review

The Reptile has had many tomatoes today: tomatoes for breakfast, tomatoes for lunch, and by far the least favorite of them all is KWIRK, the chilled red tomato for Gameboy. While The Reptile usually enjoys tomatoes, this one has left a somewhat bitter flavor in The Reptile’s mouth. That bitterness has resulted in a mostly negative review of this month’s game.

When KWIRK was announced as game of the month it was an exciting time. I thought, “It’s finally time to take the red ball with sneakers and sunglasses on a fun platforming adventure everywhere I go.” Unfortunately, I had mistaken KWIRK for 7-up’s video game mascot Cool Spot. A common mistake, I’m sure.

KWIRK was not a platformer as I originally expected, but a puzzle game. Your objective is to lead our chilled red hero through a labyrinth of rooms, each containing its own set of block sliding and wall flipping puzzles. There’s no enemies, and you can reset the room as many times as necessary. It’s up to your wits, the tomato, and a carrot friend that sometimes helps the tomato to get you through tons of puzzles which separate our tomato protagonist from his sweet tomato girlfriend, TAMMY.

While I enjoy the sound of KWIRK’s squishy footsteps and the few toe tapping tunes his game has to offer, that’s where my praise of KWIRK ends.

KWIRK initially fooled me into believing it could be a fun puzzle adventure not unsimilar to HAL Lab’s brilliant Adventures of LoLo, however it’s really just bootleg LoLo at best. I recommend checking out LoLo instead for a more charming adventure, also available on Gameboy where good games are sold.

The levels of KWIRK are mundane and blend together in no time. Nothing except brick walls and white blocks means some of the cleverness of the puzzles is quickly lost because very little about the rooms is memorable. I want more action in my puzzle games. Or how about some creative visual effects. Where’s the exploding blocks? Where are the cute dinosaurs making chirping sounds? If KWIRK had any of that, maybe it would be worth the frustration caused by some of the more brain-busting levels.

The Reptile’s hoped there would be more to say about KWIRK, but the game feels somewhat bare. While there’s plenty of brain teasers for nerds who like to be tormented by their smart yet boring video games, it does little to captivate gamers like me who need fun gameplay and good graphics. And not unlike the process of writing this review, after a very short amount of time The Reptile has already moved on.

  • FINAL JUDGEMENT: *eats game* Average/Boring

Lord Reptile (@LRD_RPTL) is a retired fast food critic who now goons out on twitter and plays guitar in a Namekian doom metal band when he’s not slinging soup, watching anime or gaming.

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